3 Year Roller Coaster Ride

I may or may not publish this but I have to get thoughts out of my head. It seems that ever since Johnny was diagnosed in March 07 I have been on a roller coaster. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually you name it everything seems to be out of sync. Now it kind of feels like it is all coming to a head. Most of the time I have so many feelings going on I am not sure if I am coming or going. I am sad, mad, glad, lonely, discouraged, disappointed, depressed, doubt, dislike, hurt, overwhelmed, lazy, lifeless, disinterested and pretty much anything else you can think of. I am up then down.
I can not seem to over come any of it. I keep praying but feel I am in a desert. I have ask Him to change me so I won't be so me. I have ask for guidance, wisdom, knowledge, relief and feel like He does not hear me.
I am not sure what is up with me. I know the God I serve. He has moved so mightily in our lives. So I do not understand what is happening in me. Had it not been for Him we would have never made it through Johnny's illness. We wouldn't make it now if not for Him.
There is so much inside of me that I can not express. I know what I am suppose to be doing but can't seem to do it. I know I am suppose to be learning something but I am not sure what it is. I know I am suppose to teach what I learn but I got to figure out what I am learning first.

I started this blog to document this journey but I can't seem to put into words what the journey is. We are trying to get back to a simpler life style. To lean on God for all our needs. The home is the core of that. Family. Taking care of my family, being what God has called me to be. Granted I have not walked this path willingly over the years.

Pray for me please. That this desert will soon end. That I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. That I would be all that God has for me to be.

Hopefully I will be getting back to this blog and documenting what we are doing. There is a bunch going on here. It is never boring that is for sure.