Thoughts, Ramblings, Prayers and Convictions

Ever since Johnny was diagnosed with cancer last year I have gone through a lot of changes emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I have not shared a lot of what we have been through. Some things I have just never felt the need to share and others I just wasn't comfortable about sharing. I was embarassed and felt like we might be looked down upon. The choices that we have made have not all been the right choices or the best choices.

You see Johnny and I got into church after my Mamaw died. That was a time in my life that I felt great conviction and had to get things right. I was raised in a Baptist church but we visited pentecostal churches. I had family that went to Dante Church of God and that was the only church I could think of to go to when I could find no peace. I was not sure how Johnny would react but I had to make things right for me first, then I would worry about how he would react.

He was as ready as me, I think so there was really nothing to worry about. That was in 2002. We have been in church ever since.

We have walked through trials that I was not sure we would make it through but God's grace, mercy and strength always got us through.

Money was one of our biggest problems. Bad choices on both our parts created a huge financial mess. We reached the point that the only way we could see out was bankruptcy. I know there will be people who criticize that decision. We have a peace about it, we fought filing for a long time. If we had filed sooner instead of fighting it things would have actually been better. We owned 2 properties. The one we lived in and one that Johnny had from his first marriage. Let me say that had I not been so stubborn about moving into his place we would have been a lot better off. I just couldn't stand the thought of living in the middle of what I considered no where. We are at least 10 miles from any type town like place. That is the best way I know to explain it.

The family living in his place was renting to own from us. We had problems from the beginning with him not paying like he should. So as the years passed and we made financial decisions things got worse. I prayed and prayed but I didn't make changes that I should have made. I was not in the least bit frugal. I bought what I wanted when I wanted it. We had so much debt. Our mortgage was one of those fixed rate for 2 years then became adjustable. Well, when the 2 years was up we were ruined. We could not refinance so our mortgage kept going up. The place was not worth hardly anything, it needed so much work we could not get it done. It needed a lot of work when we moved in and we were never able to get it all done. One thing after another went wrong.

Anyway we kept putting off filing for bankruptcy. We tried to find part time jobs to help make extra income to start paying off debt. There was so much I still did not know. My mind set was still not what it should have been. One thing was I hated the place we lived. I also had never had any real financial training. Sometimes we have to walk through things so we can grow and change. We finally decided we could put it off no longer this was in December 2006. We filed and started making changes. The man renting from us was way behind. We decided we were going to have to make him catch up or move out. Johnny was very nice and let our needs go to help them out. He had to realize he could no longer do that. We decided to let the property that we lived in go back and move into the other one. So we started the processes. We started moving on January 15, 2007. There was so much work that needed to be done. They had not taken care of the place. Johnny kept working and I started trying to get the place ready. We started living here in February. I was still slowly trying to get rid of things because this place was smaller. Then Johnny got his diagnoses at the end of the month. He took his vacation and we got everything moved. It was a mess. I had to buy a tent to put everything in so we could get it out here while he could help me.

My point in saying all this is that God knew what we were fixing to walk through. We have pretty much lost everything. The tent blew up during a storm about 6 to 8 weeks after we bought it. Everything had to be gone through again. Most of it was ruined and had to be hauled off. Johnny was in the middle of treatments so that was hard.

We still have stuff sitting in the backyard under tarps because we can not afford to buy a building. We slowly keep getting rid of stuff because it keeps getting wet under the tarps.

What has happened to me is where all this is going. I have gone from being materialistic to being frugal. I still have a ways to go and get very discouraged sometimes. There are still things I must do and I still fight God on them. I have come to realize that I need to learn how to say no and that I can't do everything. We are so involved in things at church that my family suffers. God is helping me realize that outreach ministry starts at home. You can not neglect your family and save the world. As a wife and mother my first ministry should be my home. How can you be a Proverbs 31 woman and never be home.

Now I have to make the changes to get where I need to be. I home school and we are very involved with 4H. We love 4H. It is helping me to realize where I am needed most. We are depending on God but not sitting idly waiting for him to drop blessings from heaven. We are trying to be good stewards with what we have. When we learn that then God can expand our borders.
I am still not sure I have really gotten my point across the way I wanted to.

**foot note**

We filed chapter 13 bankruptcy which means we pay on it every month.

I know this is long but I needed to post it. I will be trying to post honestly about all that we are walking through and doing. Part of walking through all this is also sharing our testimony. I will have more along the lines in the future.